Why do I sabotage relationships when they're going well?

## The Self-Sabotage Pattern: Why We Destroy What We Want When relationships go well, some part of you hits the self-destruct button. You're not crazy - you're protecting yourself from a danger that exists only in your history. ### The Psychology of Sabotage **Core Belief**: "I don't deserve good things" **Fear**: "When they really know me, they'll leave" **Control**: "If I destroy it, at least I chose the ending" **Familiarity**: "Chaos feels like home" ### Common Sabotage Behaviors **The Push-Away**: - Picking fights over nothing - Finding flaws suddenly - Creating distance - Becoming cold/critical - Testing their limits **The Escape Artist**: - Sudden disinterest - Cheating/emotional affairs - Ghosting - Moving too fast to next person - Creating exit strategies **The Prophecy Fulfiller**: - Acting out worst fears - Becoming what you fear - Proving you're "too much" - Confirming unworthiness - Making them leave ### The Attachment Root **Anxious Attachment Sabotage**: - Overwhelming need for reassurance - Suffocating closeness - Jealousy spiral - Protest behaviors - Pushing until they pull away **Avoidant Attachment Sabotage**: - Shut down when close - Find sudden deal-breakers - Deactivate feelings - Focus on their flaws - Create secret lives **Disorganized Attachment Sabotage**: - Hot and cold patterns - Chaos creation - Approach then flee - Love then hate - Merge then fragment ### The Childhood Blueprint **If Love Was Conditional**: - Expect it to be withdrawn - Perform for approval - Hide authentic self - Anticipate disappointment **If Love Was Chaotic**: - Peace feels wrong - Create familiar drama - Mistake intensity for love - Need crisis to feel alive **If Love Was Absent**: - Don't know how to receive - Feel unworthy of good - Expect abandonment - Leave before left ### The Nervous System Response **Why Calm Feels Dangerous**: - No threat = something's wrong - Waiting for other shoe - Hypervigilance increases - Body remembers betrayal - Safety feels like trap Your body literally cannot tolerate sustained peace if trauma was your baseline. ### The Sabotage Cycle 1. **Things going well** (trigger) 2. **Anxiety rises** (something's wrong) 3. **Look for problems** (scanning) 4. **Find/create problems** (relief) 5. **Relationship struggles** (familiar) 6. **"I knew it wouldn't work"** (confirmation) ### Breaking the Pattern **Awareness Phase**: - Notice urge to sabotage - Identify the trigger - Name the fear - Sit with discomfort - Don't act immediately **Communication**: - "I'm feeling urge to run" - "This feels too good to be true" - "I'm scared you'll leave" - "I need reassurance" - "My past is showing up" **Nervous System Regulation**: - Recognize false alarm - Breathing exercises - Grounding techniques - Physical movement - Co-regulation with partner ### The Practical Steps **Daily Practice**: - Notice good moments - Sit with them 30 seconds - Thank your protection system - Choose different response - Celebrate small wins **Weekly Check-ins**: - How did I almost sabotage? - What stopped me? - What story am I telling? - What do I actually need? - How can I ask for it? ### Partner Strategies **If You're the Saboteur**: - Share your patterns - Ask for patience - Create safety plan - Take responsibility - Get therapy **If Partner Sabotages**: - Don't take personally - Offer consistency - Call out gently - Set boundaries - Encourage therapy ### Red Flags vs. Sabotage **Real Problems**: - Actual abuse/manipulation - Consistent disrespect - Boundary violations - Incompatible values - Active addiction **Sabotage Thinking**: - "Too nice, must be fake" - "Too easy, something's wrong" - "Too good for me" - "Matter of time before..." - "I don't deserve this" ### The Healing Path **Phase 1**: Recognition - See the pattern - Understand origin - Accept it's protection **Phase 2**: Interruption - Pause before acting - Question the urge - Choose differently **Phase 3**: Rewiring - Build new evidence - Tolerate good feelings - Create new normal **Phase 4**: Integration - Accept deserving love - Trust staying power - Enjoy without fear ### The Truth You sabotage because some part of you is trying to protect you from pain that already happened. You're fighting ghosts. The work is to show your nervous system that this relationship isn't that relationship, this person isn't that person, and you're not that child anymore. *Every moment you don't sabotage, you're literally rewiring your brain to accept love. It's uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar, not because it's wrong.*